Riddle:What time will it be when the future shows up?

January 10th, 2012

In December’s column, Big Enough Why?, I invited you to shift from making resolutions to creating a Big Enough WHY? for 2012 — a shift from being resolved (with crossed fingers) to being committed.

How’s it going?

One of the questions that naturally arises once you have your B.E.WHY is, How? How do I make the unpredictable happen? There is a methodology to achieving breakthrough results. That’s what we’re talking about here, not just incremental improvement, but a break from the predictable. (BTW, incremental is fine and appropriate in many situations.) Repeatedly and reliably producing breakthrough results requires, among other things, expanding self-awareness, questioning beliefs, going beyond comfort zones, thinking in new ways, and welcoming breakdowns. All that requires a particular way of being.

To kick off the “how” discussion, let’s look at our relationship with the future.  Our conventional, well-entrenched wisdom tells us that the future is something out there that will show up some day. Tomorrow, maybe, but not today.  Oh, and about tomorrow. Orphan Annie reminds us: “Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love ya Tomorrow!  You’re always A day A way!”  (For those who prefer Steve Miller’s “Fly like an eagle”: Time keeps on slippin’, slippin’, slippin’ into the future …)

Maybe that puts a crimp in our plans. Maybe not.

What time is it? For another perspective of the future, consider Eckhart Tolle’s view of time from The Power of Now:

• We are conditioned to think in terms of [three distinct domains of time] past, present and future.
• We are preoccupied with looking both backwards and forwards, anything rather than focus on the present, the here and now.
• We focus on the past because this is what gives us our sense of identity and what has led us to the life circumstances that we currently face.
• We focus on the future because this is where all our dreams and fears will play out.
• We can never actually experience the past or the future. The past is gone. We only ever experience it as a whole series of Nows when we talk or think about it in the present. The same will be true of the future: when it arrives it will be Now. The only thing that ever has any real, underlying validity, is the present, the Now.

Combine what Tolle says with your own experience and Ghandi’s familiar quote: Be the change you wish to see in the world. When we “be” the change we wish to see, we behave today, right now, in a manner that’s consistent with the future we desire. By doing so, we generate the future now.

Whatever you want to experience or be someday, in the future, act and be that way today. Behave today in a way that’s consistent with your future commitment. If you are committed to someday working with people who respect and trust each other, act, as best you can, in a trusting manner with your co-workers today. If you are committed to having more transparent relationships, reveal yourself today. And do it again when the next today comes around. Being and repeating the behavior consistently brings about the change we wish to see.

WIPC TIP: Kick start your year by creating and keeping a commitment that takes no more than a week or two to complete. This spark of success will light the fuse for fulfilling other commitments for the year.

Planning’s good, acting gets results. Where you are is the best (and only) starting place. This isn’t about doing it perfectly; it’s about engaging and discovering your own answer to How? Take action Now, not Tomorrow which is (sing along with me) always a day a way.

Now, answer the riddle.

Bring in the New Year with a big enough WHY?

December 29th, 2011

Ah, the end is near — of the year, that is. A time when we look back and reflect on all that has and hasn’t happened. For the resolutions we achieved, we’ll cheer wildly and thank our lucky stars. For the ones we didn’t, we’ll lament the loss and profess how hard we tried.

As we bid 2011 goodbye and hello to 2012, many of us will bring in the New Year with yet another set of wishes that, by golly, we really are going to accomplish in 2012.  Really.

You name them: we’ll resolve to lose weight, spend more quality time with our loved ones, find a new loved one, reduce our credit card debt, volunteer more, get promoted, be kinder and more forgiving … we’ll resolve stop something and start other things.   We’ll punctuate our proclamations by raising our glass in one hand and crossing our fingers in the other because we’re not so sure we’ll really going to achieve them. Besides, these new resolutions sound a lot like the old ones.  Ah, tradition!

How about we buck tradition, just a bit? Let’s shift from being resolved to being committed to making the unpredictable happen.  To do that, we have to create a Big Enough Why?

A big enough WHY? is something that matters to you, deep-down. It’s the reason you commit to accomplishing what isn’t predictable or easy to do.  Your big enough WHY is more than a nice-to-have for you; it’s a worth-to-have. It’s worth going for, worth spending your time, resources, and energies to achieve.  When you think about it, you light up.

To create your big enough WHY, ask yourself: What is the difference I want to make in the world? Keep asking this question until your answer stirs your heart and inspires you.  Your big enough WHY has a unique meaning to you. You will feel it in your bones. Call it purpose, personal mission or calling. It’s what you say you were put on the planet to contribute.

Here’s what the “big enough” part is about.

• Your WHY has to be compelling enough to you to pull you through the times when it looks like it won’t happen and you want to give up.
• Your WHY has to matter more to you than looking good, being right or protecting your ego.
• Your WHY has to be big enough that you don’t need agreement, approval or permission to go after it.

Everyone’s big enough WHY also comes with a lovely set of companion gifts: setbacks. The bigger the big enough, the bigger the setbacks.

When you take on living your WHY, you will see all the stuff that doesn’t match it.  The good news is that when you take on and transform what doesn’t match your WHY, you’ll be making your WHY more real. You don’t have to ignore the setbacks or wish they weren’t there.  You can use them to make your contribution. Being confronted with stuff that isn’t what we desire and using it to get what we desire is a piece, I think, is missing in our traditional “let’s make resolutions” game.

To create your unique big enough WHY, ask yourself: If I could make anything happen, without the fear of failing, what would that be?  Ask and answer this question several times. Go beyond your first response. You’ll know when you’ve hit the vein of what really matters to you.

I recognize we don’t allow ourselves to imagine, let alone share with others what really matters to us because we are afraid of what they will say: you’re crazy… we tried that before, it didn’t work …you’re a dreamer … wise up… grow up … get real. If they don’t say it to us, we’ll say it to ourselves, shrinking our dreams from inspiring to acceptable and normal and, worse, shrinking ourselves. Recognize this, don’t let it stop you.

To move from being inspired to being in action in an inspired way, you need to create a structure for fulfillment. The design of the structure includes sharing your WHY widely, not being attached to one particular way of achieving it, keeping it in existence, and creating a network of supporters.

Speaking of a network of supporters, I want to give a shout out to Times Publishing Group for the opportunity to connect with you and to you, dear reader. Your comments about how my words benefit you inspire me to keep doing what I do. Contributing to you realizing how great you are is one of my big enough WHYs. I am grateful. Happy New Year!

Cough it up! Give yourself a communication Heimlich.

November 9th, 2011

“A is for …” During the change-over in a recent tennis game, one of my buddies reached in his bag and offered his partner some pills, saying “We really need our vitamin A today.”  Wanting to join in, I quipped: “A for attitude?” They laughed, “No. A for Advil. Otherwise, we’ll seize up!”   It got me thinking.

What vitamin could we take for those times when our conversations seize up and words get stuck in our throats?

You know… those times when you have something important to say, but don’t know how to say it so you swallow your words. Those times when you want to ask a question, but don’t. Those times when you overhear someone being verbally abused and rather than step in, as you wish you would, you quickly move out of the area to avoid being seen by the parties involved.

Here’s what I experience as I help people regain their voice and learn how to deliver and receive difficult messages.   When we go silent when we don’t want to, we are listening to a flurry of internal conversations that sound something like this: “Be quiet … it’s too risky to speak up … it’s not my place to say something … he/she/they won’t understand … I’ll speak up next time.”  Not only do we listen to the flurry, we believe it’s true and absolutely going to happen.

What’s driving this internal snowstorm that freezes us?  Many of us believe that being silent is better than risking saying something that might damage the relationship. Here’s the cosmic joke: The silence we invoke to protect the relationship often does more damage than a conversation that’s rough around the edges but wrapped in partnership.  Our silence does not salvage the relationship, it sinks it.  Our fear that we’ll lose the relationship actually is realized. Sad, isn’t it?  Sometimes people have told me one of the myths they have believed is: It’s better to have a bad relationship that no relationship at all.

While there isn’t a pill for this kind of laryngitis, there is a cure.  Rather than putting something in us, we need to generate something out from us. We need to generate a commitment to who we want to be and how we want to show up. From there, we can then generate a way of communicating that’s summed up by this mantra offered by Susan Scott in Fierce Conversations: Model what I want.

Learn the communication Heimlich maneuver:

1. Stand behind yourself. Take a stand for the kind of communicator you want to be.
2. Squeeze yourself. If you want openness and honesty from others, be open and honest when you speak. If you want others to reveal their secret agendas, share your hidden agenda first.
3. Dislodge myths. As you model the way you want to be communicated with, the myths which have kept you silent will be dislodged. Waiting will not dislodge them.  Taking new actions will.
4. Use your words.  Recognize the phrase? Yeah, that’s what we say to children who are throwing a tantrum. Maybe being silent, out of spite and not reflection, is an adult tantrum.  As we’ve all experienced, the “silent treatment” punishes both parties.

Removing the blockage to communication begins with you. I know it may be annoying to keep hearing that it’s up to you.  Too bad. You are that powerful.

Modeling the behavior you desire from others is risky and rewarding. Risky because you don’t know exactly how the conversation will turn out.  That’s uncomfortable. Rewarding because once you experience communicating in the manner you want to be communicated with, you’ll feel a new sense of power (not force), purpose and partnership. That’s addictive.

It’s either a tough or sweet pill to swallow when we get that it’s up to us to go first. We all have the cure inside us, we just need to cough it up. Give yourself a Heimlich for what sticks in your throat. Be mindful that what comes out models the behavior you want to receive.  You’ll stop chocking and breathe a lot easier, I promise.

Who will you invite into the room?

October 13th, 2011

Remember the old TV game show $100,000 Pyramid hosted by Dick Clark? Players attempted to guess a category from the descriptions given by their teammate.

Let’s play! Here are my descriptions: a college sorority reunion, a women’s retreat, a high school reunion, the Global Women’s Leadership Network (www.gwln.org). If you answered “women-only events”, you’d hear the incorrect buzzer. My Ohio high school was co-ed and GWLN includes men.

Two months ago, the answer was: groups Camille associates with. Today, the answer is: Camille’s communities. Today’s answer comes from being introduced to a new way of thinking about community, one that has membership based on shared commitments and choice, not geographical proximity or entitlement.

The topic of community may not seem to fit the world of work I usually write about. However, the more I investigate this new view, the more I see fundamental principles that can support any purpose-oriented group working well together to achieve their goals.  That’s a fit for me.

What is the new view of community and why is it important?

In Community, The Structure of Belonging, author Peter Block frames community as a possibility to belong. Here’s an excerpt:

Community is about the experience of belonging, with belonging having 2 meanings: one, the experience of being connected and among friends and, two, the experience that something belongs to me. What I consider mine, I will build and nurture. … The theory comes down to three everyday questions out of which community is actually lived:  1.) Whom do I choose to invite into the room? 2.) What is the conversation that I both become and engage in with those people? 3.) When there are more than two of us together, how do we create a communal structure that moves the action forward?”

Belonging to a community by choice, not entitlement, is especially important now because we aren’t in Kansas anymore, Toto.  Heck, we aren’t even in the good ol’ USofA anymore!  Before you call me a commie, let me explain: The historical American individualistic way of being, personified by the lone ranger doing whatever he wanted to the land and people, is no longer sustainable, let alone appropriate. (You’re right, it never was.) The command-and-control, fear-based work culture it spawned is ineffective and dissatisfying for everyone it touches.

Belonging means we are connected and “at home” with each other, unafraid, clear that we have each other’s back. When we belong, we make choices that honor our self, the other and the whole.

What would show up if Block’s 3 questions framed your next office meeting or family gathering? How would you show up?

“Small world, isn’t it?” peppers our daily conversations.  That recognition makes our interdependence undeniable and it makes being disconnected impractical, even undesirable.

Whether times are bouncy and uncertain or smooth and clear, the one constant that helps me “forward the action” – meaning, what I am committed to – are my relationships.  From this new perspective, I now see these relationships as my communities.  None of us succeed by our self.  We succeed because people participate with us. Adding belonging to our participation lights up the phrase “we are in this together” with possibility.

Serendipity: In the process of writing this, someone I’ve volunteered with for 6 years asked if I would be her partner in a business opportunity. She said she was asking me because “you’ve always been there for me, always come through. I want this business to be known for quality and commitment. I know you’ll bring that to the coaching we offer.”  With this, we began to create ourselves as a community.

Who will you invite into the room?

Bright side of BurnOut: How to Fix it! (Part 2)

September 15th, 2011

Last month, I covered 2 of 4 lessons regarding how to stop burnout: #1: Stop and identify the specific source of the fire (remember: everything’s not burning) and #2: Drop into your Self, listening and paying attention to what matters to you (your voice, vision and values).  (Want a refresher? Read Part 1)

Before we move to lessons: #3: Roll and #4: Go, I want to emphasize something from lesson #2: The capital “S” is not a typo. The Self is you as a whole human being who embodies all the potential you were born with, all the capacities actualized and not yet actualized. The “self”, little ‘s’, is the one that judges, doubts, criticizes us. It’s the know-it-all, puny, little self.   Tim Gallwey (The Inner Game of Work) when referring to these 2 selves says: Our best performance happens with the “self” is quiet and the “Self” is allowed to act.

#3: Roll.  Move in a different direction.  Break the unconscious, automatic patterns of action.

Take a different route to work, have a picnic lunch outside with a book of poems or a sketch book, not your blackberry.  Listen to unfamiliar music, spend time with someone you wouldn’t normally.  Changing your physical routine has the possibility of changing your mental outlook because you can’t rely on muscle memory or cruise control.  Re-arrange your cubicle physically. Get a stand-up workstation.  Move to a conference room to do even a short task. You’ll be amazed at how a physical change increases your productivity.

#4: Go. Go beyond your comfort zone.

Go 1 more inch. Where you normally stop, withdraw, go silent or give up or give in, go 1 inch more. Not 10 inches, 1 inch. BTW: This inch usually is often an inward measurement, going into yourSelf for the courage to speak up, to reconnect when you’re dis-engaged.

Ask for support. You feel good when you support others. Share the opportunity: let others support you. We all know you can do everything all the time.  What’s the point of that, really?

Draw boundaries. If there’s a situation that always pulls you in, a vortex that sucks your energy and aliveness, get out in front of it. Talk to those who are involved BEFORE the situation turns into the same old emergency that you don’t say No to.

Reduce your insatiable need to achieve. What??? Achieve less? Are you kidding, Camille? No, I am not. If you are comfortable always pressing, working hard and long, continually raising your goals, do what isn’t comfortable: reduce your need to achieve. Do it for 1 week. See what, and more importantly who, shows up when you aren’t fixated on the goal. You aren’t a slacker. You can achieve goals and not run over yourSelf or others in the process. This may be the most uncomfortable thing to do, and it may help the most to reduce burnout.

I’m not saying this is easy, I’m saying this is a way to be alive, engaged, and being your best, rather than burning out.  New mantra: I have more important things to do than burnout!

Because burnout can be invisible until the meltdown, there’s something fundamental to having this tool work for you.  You need a personal, heart-felt reason or commitment that inspires you and makes being burned out unacceptable.

Here’s mine: I am committed to supporting people being fully self-expressed, making their contribution, having a blast and being satisfied in the process, including me.

Invent your own commitment. Something that speaks to you, that brings you joy, that reminds you of who you are and what matters to you at your core.

When we’re centered in our Self, in who we are as human beings, not a cog, a job, a role, we see ourselves differently.  When we embrace our humanity, we see ourselves less as a commodity, more as a possibility.  We see others in that same light. When we see ourselves as a possibility, we make choices about how best to use our energy, talents, time.  We see ourselves as a source and a resource to ourselves and others.

We – your family, friends, co-workers – need you to be engaged, appreciated for your talents and making your contribution. More importantly, you need to be meaningfully engaged for your own sake and aliveness.

Don’t “Stop – Drop – Roll – Go” because I said so, do it because you said so.

The bright side of burnout is that it illuminates what matters so you can come back to your center, to your authentic Self. Pay attention to your Self. Ask, answer and act on your inner intelligence and commitment to be the amazing natural resource you are.

All together now:  “I have more important things to do than burnout.”

Bright side of BurnOut: How to fix it! (Part1)

August 18th, 2011

No energy. No interest.  Snapping at loved ones.  Sleepless nights.  Being burned out is a drag. Staying burnout out isn’t cool either and it’s avoidable if you Stop-Drop-Roll-Go.

Let’s face it: All of us are affected by the economic slowdown. We take on more and take less care of ourselves, burning out in the process.  And if it isn’t us who’s doing more with less, we get a heat rash just by being near those who are!

In this 2-part series, I’ll explore four lessons to help you recognize and avoid burnout so you can perform at your best, particularly when times are tough.  Whether you’re slightly smoldering or completely ablaze, I hope these words will soothe the singe.

Register at Santa Cruz Chamber for Thurs., 9/8, at  Women In Business Luncheon,  I’ll share all 4 lessons and how to fix the burn. Join us! (ya gotta eat!)

 

 

Remember the Trabing Road fire in Larkin Valley, June 2008?  Regardless of how it started, when a fire hits, we have a clear call to action.  We’d:

• immediately stop what we were doing
• get our families, pets, livestock out of harm’s way
• alert neighbors
• grab what things we could
• error on the side of safety and move with purpose

It’s easy to see the impact of a fire – the visible landscape changes. Houses and trees are leveled to ash, green fields are blackened.  It’s not so easy to see the impact on the invisible landscape, the one inside us.  Our once unquestioned sense of security and well-being can be leveled, we can feel vulnerable and out of control.  We can become a mere shadow of our former self.

Truth be told, it’s often easier to erect a new home than to rebuild our invisible landscape. In my view, it’s the invisible stuff we need to rebuild just as vigorously as we do houses.  It’s the health and vitality of our invisible landscape that makes the difference in our capacity to perform at our best.

Now, how to fix burnout.

Remember what the fire fighters taught us when we were in elementary school: Stop-Drop-Roll. I’m going to take those 3 lessons and add 1 more: Go.

Here’s how to use Stop-Drop-Roll-Go to reclaim your inner landscape if it’s charred by being burnout.

# 1: Stop. Stop long enough (5 minutes per day) to answer the question:  Am I smoldering?  Am I ignoring the early warning signs from my body, my intuition and my friends?

If the answer is No, I’m not smoldering – acknowledge yourself for the check-in and for your wellbeing.  If the answer is Yes, then find the specific flame (a resentment, disappointment or unfulfilled expectation) that is smoldering.  Ask:  When did I start smoldering? What happened?

#2: Drop.  Drop into yourself to know what you uniquely need to recover and reclaim.

Ask:  Have I lost my voice and stopped speaking my truth?  Have I disregarded my values?  Have I disconnected from my purpose?

Sometimes it’s easier to answer these questions if someone we trust asks them of us. If that’s your case, then find that person and ask them to ask you these questions. Don’t let your ego or “I’ve got it together” persona get in the way. You are too valuable a resource!  We need you naturally turned-on, fully engaged, not turned-off, burned-out!  Heck, forget the “we”, how about: you need yourself turned on and engaged!

While a fire can be a “natural disaster”, there’s nothing natural about burning ourselves out.  I’m advocating an attitude adjustment:  Being burned-out doesn’t serve anyone.  Being tuned-in serves everyone, including me.

The bright side of burn out is: The better you tune-in to yourself and what burns you out, the sooner you’ll see your early warning signs, your personal smoke.  And where there’s smoke …

Next month, Part 2 will cover lessons 3 & 4: Roll-Go.

Our Values: How we define them matters

July 18th, 2011

Our values are one of the key drivers of our performance. They influence the goals we pursue and the methods by which we pursue them.  When our values aren’t fulfilled in a way that is meaningful to us, we feel out of sync and literally, under-valued.  Our performance shrinks. Understanding what our values mean is the key to making choices about how they influence our behavior.

Case Study: An executive who works for an international research agency had a project to empower women in Turkey. Like a well-trained, seasoned corporate executive, she had a highly-detailed plan with an aggressive timeline and the “fire in the belly” to pull it off. A lot was riding on the success of this project: a possible promotion and deep personal satisfaction of helping women in Turkey, her homeland.

As we explored her values, she identified a core value of ‘belonging’ (generically defined: being accepted as part of the group by people you value). Here’s what she said belonging meant to her:

“It feels great when my friends invite me to dinner or ask my opinion about something. At work, when a peer asks me to attend a meeting outside of my accountability so that I can offer a view they might not have, I feel like they value my opinion and me. The best is when my boss asks me to come to a meeting of his peers and talk about my project and what I am doing. When I am included like this, I feel great and am very productive. When I am not in these meetings, my performance can stall.”

Coaching Outcome Identified: Have this long-held value support, not subvert, her current goal.

In the process of working together, she continued to value ‘belonging’ and learned to trust others more, not by changing her value, but by understanding what it meant to her and changing how it influenced her behavior.

“I used to only really trust people who I knew for a very long time. I was wary of new people who wanted to be my friend too quickly. I would not engage with them easily. I certainly would not ask them for something big. I didn’t want to be turned down: that would mean that they didn’t accept me, and I didn’t belong. Sounds weird now, but that’s how I viewed people and my relationship to them. Don’t get me wrong, I had great relationships, but only a small number that I felt connected to.

“Now, with these insights on my values, my project to empower women in Turkey is taking off big time. I build relationships while making big requests of people. I do not wait to make requests until I think I know them enough. My old way of operating takes way too long and, as I see it now, it isn’t even that effective. The vision I want to accomplish needs to happen sooner, not later. Now, when I share the vision of my project and listen to what others get excited about, our relationship is to the vision, to what it will make possible. In a way, we leave our personalities out of it and talk about possibility. There’s something bigger at stake.

When I am feeling out of sync and under-valued, I see which of my values isn’t being fulfilled the way I want it to and I take action to satisfy it rather than waiting. Not only am I empowering the women of Turkey, I am empowering me.”

This person created a new relationship with a value that served her well in the past so that it doesn’t hinder her future. Understanding our values gives us access to our potential and that, frankly, is invaluable.

Employers: Want your employees to be engaged like this? Need to make the business case for investing in them understanding their values? Listen to my webinar, Values: The Energy Source for Employee Engagement, http://www.wipcoaching.com/upcoming-events/.

What’s it gonna take to get what I want? 244 days + perseverance!

June 22nd, 2011

When something’s not happening the way we want it to, when what we get is not what we asked for, when someone promises something and doesn’t deliver … argh … what will it take to make this happen?

My answer isn’t the entire answer, it’s a start. It will take a blend of 5 elements to make something happen that wasn’t going to happen without your action. Check this against your experience.

1)     Purpose: a meaningful goal or commitment.
2)     Perseverance: stick-to-it-ness; maintaining a course of action and purpose over time in spite of difficulties or discouragements.
3)     Assessment: ongoing evaluation of what is happening in contrast with the purpose.
4)     Choice: select one course of action over another.
5)     Relationship: working with others to achieve goal.

A word about perseverance: Persevering is not better than not persevering. It’s a matter of commitment and choice.  We know by experience if we only did things when we wanted to or were in the mood, not a lot of what needs to get done would get done. Plus, we’d also have plenty of regrets. I think that when we take actions that match our purpose, and don’t allow our mood or feelings derail us, we experience our innate, powerful self. And that’s a great feeling.

Case in point: Saga of Southwest Airlines t-shirt

This subject of this story is trivial compared to what you are probably dealing with at work: Marketing materials not done for tomorrow’s trade show; profit lost because product expensively shipped overnight due to poor communication; low revenues; rumor mill that breeds low morale.

While the subject may be trivial, the principles are not. They are fundamental to making something happen that wasn’t going to happen if you didn’t take it on. I hope my story will provide some insight and encouragement for you to be at choice to persevere or not.

Here’s my story… June 2010: After reading in SW’s Spirit magazine that a travel tip selected as the Tip-of-the-Month would be awarded a t-shirt, I submitted my tip. In August 2010, a friend on a SWest flight IM’d me a picture of my tip as the Tip-of-the-Month. 

Not only was I published in a national magazine (Sweet! Check that off my bucket list), I’d be receiving a SW t-shirt. I decided to create an iron-on transfer of the tip, put it on the t-shirt, then send a picture of the t-shirt back to SW/Spirit and see what might happen. I was stoked!  Then I had to persevere.

By the numbers
It took me 8 months (October, 2010 to May 2011), 7 phone calls, 1 letter and 1 email to get 1 t-shirt I wanted and 1 mug that I didn’t. During this time, Southwest called me 3 times, sent 2 emails and 1 postcard. The communications with Southwest and Pace Communications, (the company that handles Spirit magazine) included: “we ran out of shirts and had to reorder” to “we ran out again” to “we don’t do t-shirts anymore” to “we have a ton of t-shirts”.

During this 244 day process, I practiced the following skills:

-        Staying on purpose: get the shirt that was promised and have fun with it
-        persevering and not letting “no” stop me
-        assessing and evaluating if I drop it or keep going
-        choose to let go of disappointment (continually)
-        creating relationship, have empathy for people who have little power or authority

I added to my purpose:  Where is my developmental edge to step beyond? What could I learn about communication? What will I learn that will help me be a better coach?

I had multiple opportunities to communicate what I wanted without communicating my upset. In sharing this story with Karen Calcagno (www.advantagefbc.com) who coaches family-owned businesses, she echoed some keys to effective communication:  Don’t make the other person wrong.  Keep your emotions neutral. Speak as an observer of a difficult situation.

Persevering builds our capacity to persevere. Every time we move forward toward our purpose rather than stop because the critic inside our head tells us to, we expand our skill. We need perseverance when our purpose is to have our business succeed in a down economy or our best sales person quit. We need perseverance to keep our kids from joining gangs, eradicate hunger or save our oceans. Pick something that matters to you and persevere.

PS: Note to self: by June 30^th, send a picture of the t-shirt to President SW, with my article on committed speaking and listening; and, please, no follow-up or perseverance.

Secret to Changing Others: You First

May 19th, 2011

It’s not uncommon for someone to tell me that they want to learn how to get other people to change.

In supporting people in all different industries, cultures and circumstances around the globe to transform their teams from good to great and the results that match, I’ve discovered some universal principles about change: (1) We teach what we tolerate. (2) To lead others, lead yourself first.

We teach what we tolerate

As a leader or manager, if you are walking on eggshells with someone (let’s call her Sally), afraid to raise an issue, hoping it will go away, your actions are keeping the issue in place.  Because you have identified an issue or problem, by not dealing with it, you are tolerating it and teaching yourself that it’s OK to ignore issues. You are also adding mass to the idea that your perception of the issue is accurate and the only one. (We both know that’s a myth.)

If you talk about the Sally Issue with others, and still do nothing, you are teaching them it’s OK to ignore issues and gossip about it.  Plus, you’re teaching Sally that her behavior is OK because you are not telling her any different.    A whole lot of counter-productive teaching and learning going on.

Now the issue shifts from being about Sally to being about you, Leader. Here’s where the second principle comes into play.

Lead yourself first

You’ve offered veiled comments in hopes that Sally will take the hints to heart and change. She hasn’t. You’ve talked in generalities to the team in hopes that she’ll get the message and change. She hasn’t. Now the team wonders how come you keep bringing up the topic “in general.” 

Wake up! It’s you who has to change first, not Sally. You have to lead yourself first before you can lead her.

Remember what the airlines tell you: Put on your oxygen mask first, then assist others.

1. Stop tolerating your ineffective behavior: no more hints and indirect messages.  It doesn’t serve you or Sally.
2. When you talk to Sally, watch that the frustration you may have accumulated doesn’t spill into the conversation with Sally. Remember: this is the first time you’ve told her directly of your view.
3. Take responsibility for not dealing with the issue until now; you may want to tell Sally that, as well.  Revealing the part you play in the situation works.
4. Create a partnership with Sally that includes a plan to resolve the issue and a support structure.
5. Complete the plan.

Avoiding issues drains energy and pulls down everyone’s performance.  As a leader, addressing issues, upfront, immediately and without blame, will get rid of the egg shells so everyone can walk freely and perform better.

How to Reach Metaphorical Mountain Tops at Work

May 11th, 2011

Today’s workers are being asked to do more with less, to reach higher goals with fewer resources and in less time. You understand the need, you want to say “yes” and mean it, but you say “yes” with uncertainty and doubt. What’s going on? How come you can’t authentically say yes to climb the mountains at work, like higher sales quotas and on-time, on budget product launches.

Pop Quiz: Who would be your climbing partner: Person A or Person B?

Person A says …	Person B says …
Weather conditions look iffy. If we climb really fast, I bet we can beat the storm.	Weather conditions look iffy. I say we wait for a clearer day. Rushing isn’t safe.
I can’t find my self-braking belay. Hope it’s somewhere in my pack.	I can’t find my self-braking belay. We won’t go until I find it.
Ranger said because of recent slides, we should take Route Q, not P like we’ve been planning for a year. Let’s take P route. I’ll get cooler shots with my new camera.	Ranger said because of recent slides, we should take Route Q, not P like we’ve been planning for a year. Let’s re-plan for P and do Q when it’s stable.

How come people who know zero about mountain climbing easily choose Person B? Perhaps it’s because when physical safety literally hangs in the balance, we easily recognize that speaking with a commitment to eliminate uncertain and to reduce risk of injury becomes the #1 priority.

How come what’s clear on the real mountain gets fuzzy on the metaphorical one, the workplace?  Perhaps it’s because the injuries that can be sustained in a metaphorical “office fall” don’t require stitches. They can, however, break trust, crush a career, and even kill a dream.

How much time and energy do you waste fuming about other people not keeping their promises to you? If you said “None”, I bet you’re on a desert island. Or, “Some”, I might guess that you have few expectations of others. Or, “Way Too Much”, my guess is that you’re like most whose work requires effectively coordinating with lots of people.

Working effectively with others is a complex undertaking. Here’s one practice that can reduce the fuming and increase performance. I call the practice “committed speaking and listening”.  (Details on programs that teach this and other business skills at http://www.wipcoaching.com/programs/.)

Nice vs. Necessity

When climbing a mountain, there is a particular language, a jargon used. It sounds like this:

Climber: “On belay?”  Belayer: “Belay on.”  Climber: “Climbing.”  Belayer: “Climb on.”

This language and the matching committed actions must be mastered to fulfill a fundamental commitment of successful climbing– come home unharmed. It’s a language of personal and partner accountability.

Climbers are not offended by the question, “On belay?” The climber doesn’t say to herself, “Well, duh, I’m the one climbing; she should be belaying me, so why ask?  What else is she doing anyway?” Or, “Will he think I’m bossy if I ask if the belay is on? Will he think I don’t trust him?  The belayer is not muttering under her breathe, “I said ‘Belay on’, what’s up with her saying she’s climbing? I know that, already!”

It’s not nice to be certain and clear if you are climbing Yosemite’s El Capitan, it is a necessity to surviving.

Words that hold both ends of the Accountability Rope

Physical safety is not a concern for most workers.  Our goals are more in line with getting opportunities for advancement, being recognized and rewarded for our contribution, feeling like what we do matters and has a purpose. Achieving these goals depends on how often we say “x” will happen, and “x” happens and on our individual and collective levels of accountability.

Climb into your workspace and listen to the language of your team. What do you hear? In many of the organizations I consult, in the beginning, I hear “we’ll see …; let’s hope…; maybe …” It fascinates me how often the language of certainty and clarity are missing – and missing that it’s missing! (BTW: the language changes as we work together.)

There’s a language, a jargon, that creates accountability. It sounds like this:

Requestor: “Please email me the complete list by 3:00pm Wednesday.” (On Belay?)

Promisor: I will and I understand a completed list includes x and z. Is that right? (Belay on.)

Requestor: Yes. (Climbing)

Promisor: I will. (Climb on.)

When someone makes a promise to you, you become their partner in fulfilling it. When they say, “I promise to give you the report by this Thursday, 3:00pm” and you say: “OK”, you become the committed listener. When Thursday, 3:05pm comes and the report is not delivered, your commitment is to contact them and find out what’s up.

Shouts from the peanut gallery (thou doth protest too much)

“How come I have to follow them up? Why don’t they just do what they said? And why don’t they contact me with the ‘what’s up’? It’s her promise, not mine! I’ve got plenty of my own promises that I have to keep. I can’t take the time to track everyone else’s, too!!”

Two ends to the accountability rope: committed speaking & listening. Both must be upheld if you want to make it to the next mountain top and beyond.

 

What I am advocating is a way to cut through the noise that squashes productivity: Replace the time and energy spent on blaming others or wondering what’s happening with a practice of committed speaking and listening. This practice will allow you to determine the appropriate level of trust to have with specific people in specific areas (yes, there are levels of trust, not one-size-of-trust-fits-all), and it gives you a way to build accountability where it is missing.

Regardless of which mountain you are climbing, speaking the language of commitment is essential for success.  Rather than rely on luck or hope, hold up your end of the rope with timely follow through and compassion for the human being holding the other end.  The more you do, the more mountain tops you’ll reach. Climb away!

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